monday 4 jan
today i woke up and immediately recorded something. it was weird because i’m really not used to it. i’m not sure yet either if i’ll keep doing it but i have to try regardless to just figure it out.
i rearranged my dad’s shop front today. it’s always a whole ordeal to get all the christmas stuff out because i need to scoop all the ‘snow’ in a bag. it’s not all bad though because i listened to 3 podcasts while doing it and they were funny/interesting. i forgot to take a photo of the end result. my mum told me my grandma likes it though haha.
— Name, Title
tuesday 5 jan
i had therapy first thing this morning and told Berit about doing drugs for the first time on nye. we talked about it being a formative experience for me of sorts because it made me realise some things. i like that she makes no big deal about these things and that we can just have a conversation about it. i’m not used to that so i was a little afraid she’d have a worried reaction like i’m used to receiving.
after my talk with Berit i had an introduction lesson with our new slc Daniella. she’s nice, i like her. she’s keen on hearing how everyone is doing by passing the mic around. i hate hate participating in such things even though i do see why and agree that it’s important to do so. my heart let it be known it was working and i was shaking the whole round. it feels so overdramatic every time it happens. because i know i’m in no actual danger, yet my body perceives the situation as such. plainly, it sucks. i felt kinda at peace with it this time though? Matt Haig’s been talking about just welcoming the panic in when it comes knocking. i try to tell myself more often now when i feel this way that that’s okay. quite literally that flame meme haha. i just told the truth because i can’t possibly do
anything else. i said i was nervous but excited to get to know her. it helped that both her and Karin said they were grateful to hear me be truthful about these things. when i passed my mic i felt the pressure drop off but also -and this is different from other times- i felt a kind of pride? a ‘see nothing happened’ kinda moment. it was nice. the unloading of emotions was actually so present i cried.
when it was over i treated myself to some Avatar action. that’s the good stuff.
— Name, Title
wednesday 6 jan
i think i might have found the perfect opening to this diary thing on tumblr. if you’re reading this you know what i’m talking about. i made a list today divided by categories and steps on what i want and need to do. they’re not timed and i’ve decided to do them when i feel like it apart from a few because i’m just not doing that to myself yet.
i spoke with a lot of my american friends on twitter today about what’s happening in their country. they’re scared and angry. it’s hard to see them go through this. i try to talk to them about it and just listen to them. at some point i turned it all off and took my mind off it by watching another few Avatar episodes.
thursday 7 jan
today i walked my dog and noticed a tractor by a tree. i hadn’t seen it there before. i made an awful lot of photos of my dog today because her ear was sticking up funny as if to say ‘hii!’ it made me laugh. other than that today was a lazy but exciting day because i’m fully revelling in this show now that is so nostalgic to me. i notice i interpret things different now than when i was younger and the show seems much darker now but super relevant still. it’s kinda scary that some darker episodes from a good 10 years ago echo what’s happening in the world today. if only we had an avatar to restore balance in this world.
— Name, Title
gimme a rub!
friday 8 jan
the tractor is gone. i made photos of my room as some ‘before’ thing. i like to see the transformation of it. i’m thinking of putting all the photos i’ve made of my room together in some fashion. i like to see the changes it’s undergone. i feel about my room as i do my hair sometimes. since making my mending project for social i’ve noticed how much my room is a representation of the pressure fog in my head. there’s so much to see it’s a bit dazzling (hence a rearrangement). i’ve also done some zooming into certain points i’d always look to when distracted and then also some spaces i never look to. bit of re-exploring before letting go of it.
sunday 10 jan
i’ve been listening to the bald and the beautiful for hours. it’s v entertaining. i turned my room upside down. dust off, replugged my stereo set. a bit of a wire nightmare but it looks good now. i still think the left square with books is a bit much. i’d like a door in it. i want things less visible to make some clarity in my head and line of sight.
monday 11 jan
I try so hard to get up earlier every time but it’s to no avail. the radio clock I found and installed isn’t working at all. The channels keep changing and it doesn’t even go off. Still getting out at 11 is better than before. I was excited about today because I’d finally see Kyara again. I think the last time we met up was somewhere at the beginning of p2 when I was doing honours for the first time. And just like then, today we went for a walk. We walked 6 kilometers in the end and had a stroopwafel halfway through. I kinda forgot to take pictures inside the woods because I guess that’s what the woods do - take your mind off of things. I hadn’t seen or even spoken with Kyara for a while so it was really nice. We basically catched up on everything that happened in between. She’s gotten a boyfriend over this time and she got to celebrate a nice Christmas so I was happy to hear she got some fun going on. We also nerded out a little. We talked about Avatar and anime and then about all the live action adaptations Netflix is doing and that we’re a little apprehensive about those but what do you know until you watch ‘em right?
Although my mum fussed over me and had me wear two scarves, I was happy that after some time we got back into the car to have some tea at Kyara’s place. This time with a warm stroopwafel ;) She showed me how she had changed her room and then she showed me some of her avatar comics. They’re so wondrous it was really cool to see such a nostalgic drawing style come to life on paper again with wholly different stories. It’s changed my mind about what e-reader I want actually. Because seeing a comic on paper is way more impressive and just as lively as on a screen I feel.
When I got home I walked my dog. She was all alone in the dark when I came back it was a little sad but she was overly enthusiastic to see me which is so cute. I was exhausted from the walking but that was the point, I was hoping to fall asleep like a baby after this but a good/important conversation with my mum kinda derailed that plan. I got to test out the new chair really well this way though haha. We talked about therapy and routine and what I’m currently doing to try and make that happen. She’s supportive and I’ve noticed that in order for me to let her help me, I need to let her in on my progress. We talked about social media sucking the life out of you and how I’m remodelling my bedroom in order to make my head less full. I have a feature wall and I like it but it’s so demanding in its presence. Maybe I should cover it with a cloth rather than do away with it for good by means of a wallpaper. It’s less permanent. Ended up going to sleep by 1am. Couldn’t really fall asleep then anyway because I had gotten over my sleep. But at least the conversation was fruitful.
monday 18 jan
this whole time i thought that Fran Lebowitz was a photographer. i don’t know why i thought that. today i watched the series about her and her opinions on NY. it was very funny.
that's gotta be bright and gloomy
i always wonder what that place is
it's 4am again
"after everything, it's still you."
my dad's made a mini village!
it's 4am again
the fresh of a new week should lighten me up
those are my assumptions
it doesn’t quite do it though
my clock finally works
i did my worry minutes at a new time
it’s put in perspective to me that the overthinking that i do is tiresome and puts a genuine feeling of twists in my stomach. i do untangaling by making up worst case scenarios and then laugh about it.
it does make me feel lighter but i wonder
for how long