tuesday 5 jan
i had therapy first thing this morning and told Berit about doing drugs for the first time on nye. we talked about it being a formative experience for me of sorts because it made me realise some things. i like that she makes no big deal about these things and that we can just have a conversation about it. i’m not used to that so i was a little afraid she’d have a worried reaction like i’m used to receiving.
after my talk with Berit i had an introduction lesson with our new slc Daniella. she’s nice, i like her. she’s keen on hearing how everyone is doing by passing the mic around. i hate hate participating in such things even though i do see why and agree that it’s important to do so. my heart let it be known it was working and i was shaking the whole round. it feels so overdramatic every time it happens. because i know i’m in no actual danger, yet my body perceives the situation as such. plainly, it sucks. i felt kinda at
peace with it this time though? Matt Haig’s been talking about just welcoming the panic in when it comes knocking. i try to tell myself more often now when i feel this way that that’s okay. quite literally that flame meme haha. i just told the truth
because i can’t possibly do anything else. i said i was nervous but excited to get to know her. it helped that bot her and Karin said they were grateful to hear me be truthful about these things. when i passed my mic i felt the pressure drop off but also -and this is different from other times- i felt a kind of pride? a ‘see nothing happened’ kinda moment. it was nice. the unloading of emotions was actually so present i cried.
when it was over i treated myself to some Avatar action. that’s the good stuff.
— Name, Title